Rants in Chants

Unable
is prose
is feeling
are sentences

Broken
are words
are thoughts
is heart

Trickled
are dwellings
are swellings
is hurt

Pitied
is me
is time
are them

Dreamt
are things
are materials
is size

Denied
are hopes
are senses
is it

Finished
is strength
is cash
is this

Hope?

Christmas is nearing and I am fearful.

Choke-inducing incidents:
1. Singing songs about praising the lord during practice
2. Lying on yoga mat and listening to hopeful song today
3. Thinking about how I have let my kiddies down
4. Wondering if S would ever learn how to choose
5. Laying fingers on the digital piano
6. Wanting to confide that he was of the same name
7. Reading "Brand New Friend"
8. Having doubts that hope will ever return.


Heartening matters:
1. Talking to P
2. Talking to JM
3. Talking to YJ
4. Talking and shopping with Glad
5. Having tea yet again at Bakerzin
5. Getting most of the stuff for new classroom
7. Getting presents for kid & volunteer
8. Receiving invitation to go for Christmas musical
9. Looking at my kiddies photos
10. Dreaming about my new camera
11. Seeing my favourite cute-from-afar instructor
12. Buying (and eating) Marks and SPencers digestive biscuits
13. Thinking about next gym session

More happy moments then!

Wounds

Super clumsy today.
Slammed my knee against the drawers in the morning.
Wasn't that bad but it bled.

Punctured my toe again in the afternoon when i opened the door.
Wasn't that bad, but bled again.

2 gapping wounds in one day ... am i stupid or am i stupid?!!

Went jogging later in the night ... ( My greatest enemy must be eliminated)
Hobbled down the stairs and was internally whining... perhaps i couldn't jog afterall...

Silly poignant thoughts intruded after the 3rd kilometre...
One doesn't feel the pain nor think about the wounds when one is focused on something. ( my focus is finishing at least 4km). Somehow, it hurts when i was thinking about my bloody wounds when coming down the stairs... but the wounds didn't matter when i was concentrating on keeping alive while jogging haha

Guess when we keep poking at the wounds, keep thinking about the pain, the blood, the open flesh, it just makes the pain worse... Self-pity and whining don't help a tad...
Perhaps i should take a firmer stand... have new resolutions... find new hobbies... do more constructive stuff...

The wounds should hurt less.. each time i remember to think about it...
One day, we shall all be pleasantly surprised that they don't hurt anymore...

Didn't manage to express what i was really thinking. Darn... disintegrating expressive language. Ha ha ha. Whatever la.

A day to remember

7th October 2006
Was a good day to remember.

Digression.
A lecturer told us to make a timeline for our own lives. We were to write down significant or life-changing events since we were born.
Realised at the end of the activity, I've written down events that were mainly negative... things that got me down, things that made me the unworthy person i am today.
Took a look at my course mate's timeline... and they consisted of mainly the good stuff...
I felt kinda saddened ... and almost ashamed at how unappreciative of my own life i am, and how sore a person i am...
Its rather ironic... i've always thought myself as an optimistic and easygoing person... why then... really not sure myself...
... ... ... ...
perhaps all i did was allow myself sink deeper each time something nasty happens. And when the next nasty thing comes along... i don't feel it as much? hah *shrugs*

ANyway... guess the point is... i should really try to think of the good things and remember them...
SO here it goes...

7th Oct is a good day because:
1) I slept loads
2) PQ smsed me for Pri sch friends gathering
3) J is back from China and sms me for dinner
4) Met some JC classmates at HC for MAF
5) Was not impatient when mom asked me abt her HP
6) 2 people decided to give it another try
7) Talked to friends on MSN

Guess... was glad that i'm not alone.
There are so many other people and things i should treasure and care about...

Remember the good times, forget the bad...

Right brainer

You Are 30% Left Brained, 70% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

addictive hee hee!

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

so am i :D

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro. You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

What's Your Summer Ride?

I wished

how i wished
it wasn't so hard
to curb the desire to watch u drive away.

i wished i didn't

Who will wait for u

There are possibly only THREE kinds of men who will wait for you when you jog.

Type 1:
THe rare nice guy friend. Platonic. Most probably homosexual.

Type 2:
The guy with a motive- eg. He is after u.

Type 3:
Your Dad.

All by myself

Frustrated.
Cos monitor said "No video input"
No matter how i jiggled or coaxed... no response
Opened the casing.
realised that video card has fallen off.
Tried to fix it.
Needed external help.
Still frustrated.

Finally worked.

I know that i'll have to settle all these myself in the future.
Its not gonna be easy
But eventually it'll work.

The Devil in Us

Struck by a thought. Probably nothing new... but enough to HAVE to write it somewhere at this very instant.

We are so evil.

Was recalling conversation with HX ysty. Laments on how people are selfish. How people can grow to be self-centred, or "less good" as we age...

No one taught us to be selfish
No one taught us to harbour bad thoughts
No one taught us to cheat to betray
No one taught us not to be caring and kind
No one taught us how to be self-centred
No one taught us to be proud
No one taught us to cry and scream
No one taught us to blame
No one taught us how to hate

On the contrary,

We learn how to be selfless and helpful
We learn how to care for others
We learn how to be kind
We learn that we should think good of others
We learn how to be humble
We learn how to curb and control our tempers
We learn how to empathise and understand
We learn how to be good lovers.

Is that why we have MORAL education in schools? To reverse all the evil innate in us all...
Is that why our kindness have to be evoked during those charity shows?
We seldom think of the sick, the old, the poor, the disabled until they appear on tv shows or appear on the streets.

Its quite interesting to be fully convinced that we are so evil by nature. Some religion have of course said that of men long before. But due to the lack of faith, it never really strike a chord.
Its almost like...
If my intelligence is only 90, i can only learn so much academic stuff in life... OR if i met with lousy teachers all my life, maybe i'll be less "clever"...
So if my evilness level is high, there's nothing much those education and prep talk and moral lesson can do ya?

It doesn't mean that I am an exceptionally bad person. It just means that the "moral education" i had in my life is not that fantastic?

Yay, so it feels quite ok to be evil ... haha


This topic brings me to another conversation I had with WW ages ago...
Was wondering whether monogamy is unnatural. All human beings are probably borned fickle and meant to be polygamous. Monogamy is invented by this society because it SEEMS correct and nice. Hmm.. nice

haha.. but all these are so pointless *yawn*

Society is a constract after all...

Final thoughts:
THe world is a simple place. The evil society complicates it.
Life is just a simple thing. Human minds glorify it.

blessed and safe

Not quite sure how to start. Has stopped for so long...
Guess i wanted to say thanks to lots of people... and I feel blessed and safe. Blessed coz i know i have friends who care. Safe coz i know i'll be protected...

To the first person i told - thanks for being there. Don't think you didn't know what to say or wasn't of help. It helped, a great great deal.

To the one who "wasn't worried" - I received the RENT! And your perceptions were greatly satisfying and comforting. Thanks for being a prick. haha

To the one who's worried i'm in denial - I hope i'm not. I know you care... I believe i'll be find. Maybe i'm trying to revolutionising this period of unhappiness. I know i'll be fine!

To the one who is ever so logical - i guess you're right. And yes there are lots more people who are hungry and dying. Thanks for being there whenever this shit happens. heh

To the one who has the same strong instincts - I'm grateful that you are always making the effort. I'm glad i'll always have u...

To the one who is probably so angry for my sake - I'll continue to be strong! And yes darling, we need to get a life =p

To those i haven't told... think there wasn't an opportunity to do so
To those who wanna marry me, let me caution u- there's already a queue. (haha... actually i'm always the one who asked pple to propose)

By the way... noticed how it rained cats and dogs a few days ago? And now the weather is much better?

TOld u heaven is my good old friend.

heaven knows

how can you bear to rain?
when heaven,has on your behalf done so
for these 2 days.

thanks heaven
heaven knows.

2006

Rain.
Watch it gush.
Threads of slivery lines,
Downwards, a frantic rush.

Tears.
Feel them flow
Streams of hot bath,
Downwards, trickling slow.

Thunder.
Hear it rumble.
Strongly it resonates
Cower, watch me tumble

Heart.
Feel it fumble.
Heated thumps of ache,
Cower, watch me crumble.

Rainbow.
See its colours hold.
Lovely against dark sky,
Across, and bottom a pot of gold?

Hope.
Allow its swell.
Gold, shining and warm
Across your heart, believe, you will be well.

Hymn of Promise

In the bulb there is a flower
In the seed, an apple tree
In cocoons, a hidden promise
Butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter
There's a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season,
Something God alone can see

There's a song in every silence
Seeking word and melody
There's a dawn in every darkness,
Bringing hope to you and me
From the past will come the future
What it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season
Something God alone can see

In our end is our beginning
In our time, infinity
In our doubt there is believing,
In our life, eternity
In our death, a resurrection
At the last, the victory,
Unrevealed until its season
Something God alone can see