No way.

Trembling.
Wary of the tiniest leak.

Silence bursts through the cords
Screaming not to be heard.
Shame on you! Who?! Snigger!
Scorn swells, folds start to seal.
They swirl, down the sewer, where they belong.
They shrivel, GONE.

Woven.
So tight.
Not blood nor air enters. Nothing leaves.
Oh oh! Dead space.
Oh oh! Shunt.

Limp.
Hiding in shadows.
Comtemplating.
Ready to raise, let it flap?
Only then,
Perhaps, will the white sheath
Forever: defend.

Thought processes and paranoia

In case my computer crashes.

Questions to ask
What is language?
Complexity of language- processing, production, comprehension,

What is bilingualism? The variables: Low and high proficiency? Age of acquisition? Environment and practice

Neuroanatomical representation of language:
This paper will examine the representation of language in different domains? – processing and production, comprehension, lexical semantic?

Things to consider:

-Different theories to date
-complications due to variables, types of tests
-is single-word generation representative? How natural is language in that kind of testings? But still useful to have a baseline?
-some limitations- eg. fMRI cannot examine inferior temporal gyrus (p 180) due to interference with magnectic field.
Review the research- different hypotheses put forward

Lateralization- no studies provide coherent explanation. No proof that bilingual brains are any more asymmetrical than monolinguals

Convenient to fall into the trap of thinking that bilinguals are just two monolinguals combined.

The studies on aphasia- different kinds of recovery cannot fully explain bilingual brain
From testing subjects with disorders (brain undergoes shifts and adjustments after injury) to normal-functioning subjects
Old: lesion studies, electrical cortical stimulation (Penfield and Roberts 1959)
New ways of testing- non-invasive neuroimaging testingPET, fMRI, regional cerebral blood flow ERPs (event-related brain potentials)
Phonological loop and working memory
TOT- tip-of-the-tongue phenomena
What is convergence?
One-system hypothesis (single network hypothesis)
Petride’s 2 level- hypothesis: automatic vs controlled retrieval process. (meaning that if your L2 is not proficient, you will not be able to retrieve it automatically. Conscious searching required and that explains for the increased activity)


For grammar-related= age acquisition
For lexical-semantic= proficiency


Recurring areas:
Basal ganglia
Left Dorsa lateral frontal cortex
Left putamen
Inferior frontal gyrus / anterior insula complex
ACC- anterior cingulated cortex
Pre-frontal cortex
Temporal pole
Inferior parietal cortex
Brodman’s Area (9, 46, 47)
(note page 249)
Right hemisphere (pragmatics for both monolinguals and bilinguals?)
Working memory and phonological loop? (hippocampus and grey matter density?)
Implicit language competence and explicit metalinguistic knowledge


Singapore context- acquisition acquired within a brief period and has under formal settings? (school) –motivation?

Introduction......... ??????
Oh yes.
I have no idea how to begin writing this essay.

Farewell 2008

Its the very last day for this year, thought it would be good to do some pondering...
Just wanted to note this before I forgot, read it in a magazine while getting my new hairdo:
"The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese"
Very true, isn't it?

Anywayz...Fared well, 2008?

• completed marathon (nmind the timing!)
• scaled a mountain
• experienced via ferrata
• tried wide water rafting
• fulfilling year in school
• going back to study full time
• secured scholarship
• keeping friends, making friends
• went on a holiday
• eating well, keeping well

2008- year devoid of turbulence, just gurgling, bubbling ripples along the way. Year of simple contentment, of neat room , of regular exercise...

My resolutions for 2009 are also simple:

• Be the best student i can be
• Care for and be patient towards family and friends
• Train hard for marathon
• Join a mini-triathalon?
• Save more spend less
• Listen more, talk less
• Do more, dream less
• Give more, demand less
• Smile more, frown less
• Sleep more, eat less!

Finally... to be optimistic, contented and grateful for every thing, any thing that comes my way.

Messing Around.

While my once pristine room is still being buried with my mess from school...
here i am again, trying to bury myself in denial...
How could I have accumlated so much stuff in just 4 years?! I must have spent hundreds or maybe thousands of dollars on all those paper, craft, stationery, containers, baskets and files... If anyone needs pens, post-it, folders, drawing block, colored paper, flashcards, VCDs ETC... you know where to visit.
I have already postponed cleaning for weeks, all because i can't bear to even THINK how i can move my stuff around.
Actually my room was so clean that i know where to find my things. I know exactly where to find my old choir scores and year books. I know exactly where my old zo-cards and boxes for gadgets are...

But NOW? NOOOooooooo!!!

Jeez... really trying to reorganise my whole room to accommodate my "investment"...
And i swear i have given at least 75% of the stuff away to my colleagues...
How can i make the mess go away without throwing bits and pieces of my past away? (And I have already thrown away 4 bags last night...) I am thinking of throwing out NIE notes next...

Anyway... while trying to avoid the topic of room cleaning, i popped in for a shower and thought of my colleague's son. Lovely boy diagnosed with autism. While i was sitting alone guarding the sacred ang pow box, i observed him when he came into the cafe-he was skirting around DOME during another colleague's ROM. I nearly laughed out loud when he blew at a middle-aged lady's hair (one of the guests... i just wonder what propelled him to do that. She was his one and only 'target') He then roamed around abit more and curled up comfortably in a chair.
Later that night, he lied down flat on a sofa in the cafe. I pointed out to the mom brightly (in my mind all i was thinking-he was really making himself comfortable) But his mom's first reaction was to ask him to get up. (oops... there i was, treating him like a special kid... big mistake...)

Anyway... guess my long-winded story... is not the main point...

Observing the boy led to another thought: autism in literature.

I am not referring to recent stuff such as Rain Man, Elijah's Cup or The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time... I am more curious about older works...

I am not a well-read person, hence i am not sure what has been written in the past about autism. During a time when autism was not so well-known or understood, how would authors depict them? How do writers during that time make sense of some people across other spectrums?

Did a small little research on history of autism:

The history of autism goes as far back as 1911 with Eugen Bleuler a Swiss psychiatrist first coined the term. However that term applied to adult schizophrenia.
In 1943 Dr. Leo Kanner of Johns Hopkins University described autism for the first time. He based his discovery from 11 children he observed between 1938 and 1943. What he studied were children who had withdrawal from human contact as early as age 1.
During the 1940's through the 60's the medical community felt that children who had autism were schizophrenic. This lack of understanding of the disorder lead many parents to believe that they were at fault
During the 1960's people began to understand autism and more precisely identify autism and the treatments.

Well.. too tired to delve more into this topic... perhaps another day.

A First

Tendered my very first resignation letter today.

No matter how old one gets, there will always be a first.

I guess that's what keeps life interesting.

Reflection

Did my appraisal report today and wrote a whole lot of chunk.
Now that I am really leaving... feel that I will miss them dearly...

Loads of stuff to do... unconscious stress surfacing again... in my dream, or should i say nightmare.

Going for interview next week! *sweat*
Experienced people out there, throw me some commonly asked questions... and give tips on how to impress the interviewers!!! Help help help!

Thank you

Lazy Saturday

Rainy, cool day.
Had tuition in the morning, had lunch, came back home, watched korean dramas on mysoju (which is absolutely enjoyable now that I have upgraded my broadband speed!) Went for dinner with parents, lazed around more.

One of my colleague will always ask me on monday- "How's your weekend?"
Most of the time, my reply will be nothing much. Went for jog/gym.
Which is true for most weekends.
But i love such weekends. Nothing tantalising or taxing. Just a nothing-weekend.

Perhaps that's why weekends are defined by "Saturday" or "Sunday"
Saturday coz you did nothing all day. You are supposed to tell others " I sat a day away"
And Sunday. "i basked in the sun."

Details on my Korean drama:
Finished watching "Couple and Trouble". Like most Korean dramas- silly decisions made by silly protagonists which made the show drag on. But you know its a happy ending and you wanna know how it came about. Well. So we are silly viewers waiting for the obvious result. Its drama.

A few of my colleagues love Korean shows as well. One of them greeted me "Anyohaeseyo" twice in school. On the second day she used that greeting, i was presented with a great shock... or surprise: A junior pupil from another class saw me in the toilet. And he shouted "Anyohaeseyo!"
Told you they had magic ears and eyes.

Started Conversational Malay last Tuesday. Quite fun and interesting to know more about this language. It should be very useful in Singapore. And I was quite surprised to realise that German, Japanese and Malay have very similar vowel sounds.
Lust for language learning has returned. Feel like picking up Korean too.

Going for Singapore Bay Run tomorrow. Not sure if i could complete... think my knee/hamstring still cranky. And creaky. 10km has been my max distance clocked so far. haha
Anywayz... just see how it goes. Nothing can be worse than that 1st marathon experience. Right?!

Going for audition again on Monday night. Wondering if im supposed to sing the same song?!
Haven't practised...

Looks like it can't be a lazy Sunday.

Content. Me Gloria, you Jean

I Guess that to be able to think thematically is quite unrealistic. For me at least.
Hence another random entry about random thoughts.
Perhaps there is nothing significant enough for me to want to stay on track, to elaborate on that one singular thing. To be fickle (in the mind, that is) takes less effort, less focus and more variety.
Hence more random thoughts.
Its almost like the 1812 Overture's fireworks blasting off in the head.

As I was telling 'Jean' at Gloria Jean while waiting happily for our coffee (together with carrot cake and scones), its not that difficult to be happy. Is it?
At least at the moment, waiting for the coffee, listening to the music, staring at the decor, snagging those cute black plastic forks,spoons and knives make me happy.
Thinking about English names for one another is a great laugh.
Dinner at Dian Xiao Er is yummy...

Watching Couple or Trouble now makes me quite contented. Listening to and watching Ah Bu on TV makes me absolutely happy (by the way, if you google for "ah bu", my blog will appear as one of the first few search results! Poor adorable ah bu, no one else writes about you?!)

Cycling at East Coast, dashing along the empty park connector is so relaxing. Eating BK breakfast is satisfying. Exploring Japanese Garden (on feet) that day is nice. And I like picking up saga seeds scattered on the floor.Taking naps is great. Having a clean room pleases me. Hanging out with friends is fun and fulfilling.

(Ah Bu on TV again. So darn cute!)

Well... of coz there are not-so-nice things like not receiving news, not liking to sing, writing 17-page minutes, having sickening hair, spotting round face, tummy etc etc etc etc...disgusting parking (non-)skills...

Still...there are probably more things to be pleased about

Now there's only left with authentic Korean Ja Jang Myeon to make my day.

I like this

The Story Of the Pencil

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point, he asked:
"Are you writing a story about what we've done? Is it a story about me?"
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
"I am writing about you, acutually, but more important than the words is the pencil I'm using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up."
Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn't seem very special.
"But its just like any other pencil I've ever seen!"
"That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hand on to them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.

First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget there is a hand guiding your steps...

Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpener. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he's much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.

Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.

Fourth quality: What really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.

Finally, the pencil's fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. In just the same way, you should know that every thing you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action."

-Paulo Coelho, Like the Flowing River

Wait.

Time is a long time for those who wait.

Well. At least know whether the wait will stop in 24 hrs time.

As You Like it

Random thoughts. Tend to occur when you're stuck in a rut.
In today's case- never ending minutes to write. Gross stuff.

At Random.

1. I wish that my car can fart.
Cars behind can crash down on their horns if you're doing something funny in front.
But what can we do about tailgating and impatient cars doing funny things behind your back?
Fart off...

2. I am waiting for email
Waiting for that one email that could possibly change my life for next few weeks/years.
Will they email you to tell you goodbye, try again next time?

3. Windy
A lovely windy day today. Nice weather, really.

4. My hon has finally quit her job at Wu Jian Dao- Pte Ltd.
Hurray!

5. I hate writing minutes.
Its not stopping at 10 pages. What the...

6. Shall we dance?
New instructor for our dance CCA. This young China guy can jump up- with legs split and hands touching his feet. Incredible.
I like dancing.

7. Adult Malay course.
Gonna start lessons soon. Hopefully.

8. I like the Korean Show- Couple or Trouble
Very cute show. Typical Korean comedy-romance. But nice. And the Jajangmyeon is making me salivate profusely. Where can i get to eat them in Singapore?

9. Ah Bu is "tian cai xiao diao shou"
So he claims. But he is always damn unlucky in fishing. So adorable! And his dive into the sea, pretty magnificent. This guy can do no wrong. Haha!

10. Swimming and Olympics
Ability to swim well is appealing.
Free-stylers and breast-strokers have different bods.
Not that i particularly like him, but hoping that Phelps gets his 8 golds. Legends are always fascinating...

Ok.
Random thoughts never end. But i shall for now.

"The Heart Asks the Pleasure First"

This tune and line came to the mind randomly a few days ago.
And Hey Presto! A few days after the random thought, while reading "The Time-Traveller's Wife", this very phrase appeared in the book.
Talk about uncanny.

And to update on my SLP course application-
I have gone for the test (which was a major blow on the ego- how lack of analytical skills and how indecisive can one get?! - ME)
And there was a 10mins open-ended question...
Actually, at the end of the test, felt kinda down.
After being in the comfort zone for so long (4 years...) , i realised how rusty my brains have become... And also wondered if i should be trying for SLP at all...
Am I up to it...?
After having joked with Dad during lunch about the test... felt better. At least, like i told him, most of the people who went for the test have hao3 ren2 lian3...
So even if i don't get chosen (only 50% chance *fingers crossed*), can be assured that there will be alot of nice new Speech Pathologists in Singapore. Oh Well!

And btw, I am going for interview next week! Like Dad said, I have beaten another about 20 applicants to go to the next round.
Hope can let you all hear good news...
Also must thank my ex-principal for writing testimonial for me... hope that i can tell her that I got it... think she has a bit more faith in me than i have in myself..

Another happy update,
Went for audition at Music Dreamer Cafe and i got into the 2nd round!
But like i told zhuz, 20 million other pple got in... so i'm only one of the lucky ones chosen i guess... Still, am just glad for a second chance
So, what song should i sing?!! Any suggestions?!

Guess realise that for many things in life, I'd never know until I try. If I get it, its a bonus, if i don't, at least I've tried...

Still unable to convince myself that i have what in takes in most things...
But perhaps i am not as bad as i make myself out to be...
Just maybe.
But at least there's a but?

I WANT them badly.
Please continue to conspire to give them to me...

If you want something bad enough, the whole world will conspire to give it to you.

?

My Lucky Day!

Oh man... today is really my lucky day!
Managed to find more videos on Ah Bu on YouTube!
*beam*
For those of you who wanna listen to his lovely voice and infectious laugh, watch these videos...
kekeke~

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Pwe1XqTCI_o&feature=related

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Olw49zFT7ps

My lovely Ah Bu

I am so happy to find this site!

Have been looking high and low for him...Apparently he is not that famous in Taiwan... therefore its very difficult to find news on him.

And the fact that he is not going to appear on my TV on thursdays make me kinda sad..

PRESENTING TO YOU:

Brian Zhou Yong Xun, otherwise known as Ah Bu

Is he adorable or is he adorable?! haha

So cute yeah?

I'll miss your voice!!!

haha... the 15-year old in me is rearing its head...

What's Up?

Wedding Number 3 this year ended yesterday.
And coming up would be Wedding 4 and news from a classmate yesterday - Wedding 5!
"Tis the season to be jolly ...."

Yesterday's wedding was held at Rasa Sentosa, which was pretty nice because its by the seaside. Nothing beats sea, sun and sand really. And because it started at around 6, we get to enjoy some light before night fell. Furthermore, it is so relaxing to have wedding dinner at that time. You don't have to worry that its getting late (it will take many hours to be late haha). So a few of us (JC classmates) had a pretty good time catching up. All those antics and nonsense things we did seemed so recent though it was already freaking 8 years ago! *gasp*
And i so enjoy buffet dinners. You get to walk about once in a while, and choose exactly what you want to eat, and also get to taste different kinds of food. There's salad , with walnuts! And sushi, and of course dessert. The only complaint I have- NO COFFEE to go with my dessert!

It was a simple Christian wedding with singing, sermon and the ceremony. I don't usually enjoy sermons but i can't help but think that what the pastor said is very true. "A marriage with 2 strings will be stronger than one. A marriage with a cord of 3 strings will be the strongest. (well... something like that). And its not the couple with one third party. Its the couple and God.
How true. In many marriages, its up to the couple to iron out differences. For a Christian family, you can count on the faith , and will probably even have the whole congregation of church to support you. Afterall, its a marriage blessed by God, they would say. Who could dispute that?

Another thought- Friends asked me, so what's up?
And when usually when people ask me that, I'll just reply "Nothing much, still the same"
But ...
I had eye surgery on Monday, had new specs, met up with friend, went for dance, am enjoying afternoon naps, going for show, shifted to new school, applying for SLP, going for audition etc...
So what do we decide to tell people? Why do we have to rack our brains when we are asked that question?
Is it because we only want to say what is deemed as important to other pple? Especially for people we haven't met in the longest time, do we have the tendency to sift our brains for the biggest "news" that had just happened in our lives?
Oh well... maybe the next time someone asks me this question, I'm going to tell them the first thing that pops up, even the most trivial thing. For example "Oh crap. I've been constipated for a few days." Or "My eye is feeling itchy, i think its my contacts" Or "I have been having afternoon naps almost every day, eat your hearts out!"

Maybe this would stop them from asking such an open-ended question like "What have you been up to?"

Anyway, Before I end off, i should announce- i finished my lesson plan this week by 4pm on a Sunday. Cheers!

Random thought:
I actually chose Times New Roman for this entry. Its so pleasing! *snigger*
I guess its a sign that I'm ready to return to a life using this Font, Double spacing, 1000 words. Am I?
Please let me have a chance to go back to NUS!!! *fingers crossed*

Aye Eye!

Went for Left Barrier Laser Treatment today and that is because i suffer from:

LATTICE DEGENERATION










Lattice degeneration of the retina is a type of thinning of the outside edges of the retina, which occurs in 6%-8% of the general population. The lattice degeneration, so-called because the thinned retina resembles the crisscross pattern of a lattice, often contains small holes. Lattice degeneration is more common in patients with nearsightedness (myopia). This tendency to lattice degeneration occurs because myopic eyes are larger than normal eyes and, therefore, the peripheral retina is stretched more thinly.
Fortunately, only about 1% of patients with lattice degeneration go on to develop a retinal detachment.

Btw, here's how my left eye look like now:




















[The white color dots form the barrier to prevent my retina from tearing]

Not a very pleasant experience.
Pupils enlarged with eye drops. Vision cloudy, unable to see objects up close (that includes my bill. A blessing? hoho)
"Now I'm going to give you some painkillers because its going to hurt abit"
"You're not supposed to move your eye..."
"Look left", "Look down" , "Don't move!"
Some bright green or bright light going "tiak tiak tiak tiak" per second and aching pain with every tiak...
"You moved again"

Frankly, I don't even know whether my eyes are moving or opened or closed.
All I know is... Tiak- yikes! tiak- oww! tiak- urgh! tiak- is it over yet?!

For better, or for worse

BAD:
Been feeling kinda down after Sundown Marathon.
I pulled a hamstring I think.
And couldn't jog beyond 3km. That really sucks.
Didn't realise that the inablity to exercise will bother me so much...


BETTER:

1. Went swimming of the past week (3 days x 20 laps) Also tested out tread water. Should be able tahan 3-5mins. Meaning, i'm ready for diving!
2. Went for combat class this Sat. My hamstring didn't act up. Meaning, if i could never run ever again, at least i can still go to the gym.
3. And having eye-candy instructor doesn't hurt too! (btw, realised that M looks about like Ah-Bu. Sis, what think you? =P)

BAD:

As mentioned previously, wedding dinner/reception cancelled because of unfortunate events in the family.

BETTER:

Both Resumed! (Although it meant a bigger hole in my pocket, at least 2 extra happy events!)

BAD:

Didn't go anywhere this June Holidays. No diving, no mountain, not even Sentosa.

BETTER:

1. Lobang to go Go-karting in M'sia in July (also overseas what)
2. Lobang for diving in August (?)
3. Lobang for overseas trip in Dec
4. Plans to go Chiang-Rai (Fav? We going??) and Vietnam (Ladies, we going??)

BAD:

Shifting to a new school. Anticipating pupils to act up and disappear along corridors.

BETTER:

These smart babies got used to the place very quickly. We also have a brand new 22" monitor. Perfect for watching Barney, Hi-5 and movies.

We are going to have 9 kiddies for now. No new kid coming in. For now.

BAD:

Very fat.

WORSE

Getting fatter. =S

Guess it will also be an issue i'll always have to grapple with. But for my good friends out there... you won't mind my fat face and fat ass when you go out with me right? haha!

Pray Hard.

Was invited to 3 weddings this summer- one in June, the other in July and one more in August.

But the one in June may be cancelled... coz the bride's father passed away 2 weeks ago...
Today just received notice that the one in August will be cancelled as the bride's mother diagnosed with cancer. (according to friend, she has had surgery and going to receive treatment)

Praying hard.

Forget, and Forget about forgiving

Have removed the horror stories.
People with better sense have advised that cyberspace is a dangerous zone.
You never know who will stumble upon the page and use it against you.
So well...

Heart still heavy
But regulation works are being done.

Have decided to try to forget
But no mention of forgiving
The only reason being-
If there is talk of forgiveness... one must have cared enough to muster energy to be furious.

Bearing grudges exhausts too much time and effort.

And actually, the best way to remain impenetrable to the claws of monsters, is probably to take the high road.
Don't stoop to their level, they can't touch you

Even if one eventually falls into the claws of them.
This could be on the epitaph : " I have have left the battleground in honor."