Older, none the wiser.

Been receiving backlashes lately. In various aspects of life...
And the worst thing is I cannot bravely declare that I am absolved of guilt, that I have done my very best. Have I? I don't think so... The truth is that all i've done is crap crap crap.

In the past, when doubts about teaching arise, I could console myself by saying that I'm new, i'm inexperienced or be optimistic and think that with time i'd improve. But now, i'm not so sure. I'm not new anymore. Nor am I inexperienced. But I'm still a damn disgusting teacher. I cringe to call myself a 'teacher'. Yuck.

Maybe I shouldn't apply for jobs which involve lives. Lives demand so much responsibility and heart which i wonder if i have, or will ever have. Perhaps i should find something which deals with profits or other less important stuff. Then my lack of responsibility won't ruin anyone...

A colleague tried to console... saying that when something happened, 70% consists of mental model, only 30% would be observation of data. Meaning that for most part, our brains have immediately decided what has happened. The only way of changing the 'situation' is changing our mental framework...Hence, when something happens, one usually points finger at others. Somehow... up till today, my finger is always pointing towards myself first... Darn. A person who perpetually has a guilty conscience should be a blamer. Can some mutated blamer bug bite me so that i can be BlamerWoman?

Chronologically older... but mentally stagnant. Regressive even.

bRRRrr