blessed and safe

Not quite sure how to start. Has stopped for so long...
Guess i wanted to say thanks to lots of people... and I feel blessed and safe. Blessed coz i know i have friends who care. Safe coz i know i'll be protected...

To the first person i told - thanks for being there. Don't think you didn't know what to say or wasn't of help. It helped, a great great deal.

To the one who "wasn't worried" - I received the RENT! And your perceptions were greatly satisfying and comforting. Thanks for being a prick. haha

To the one who's worried i'm in denial - I hope i'm not. I know you care... I believe i'll be find. Maybe i'm trying to revolutionising this period of unhappiness. I know i'll be fine!

To the one who is ever so logical - i guess you're right. And yes there are lots more people who are hungry and dying. Thanks for being there whenever this shit happens. heh

To the one who has the same strong instincts - I'm grateful that you are always making the effort. I'm glad i'll always have u...

To the one who is probably so angry for my sake - I'll continue to be strong! And yes darling, we need to get a life =p

To those i haven't told... think there wasn't an opportunity to do so
To those who wanna marry me, let me caution u- there's already a queue. (haha... actually i'm always the one who asked pple to propose)

By the way... noticed how it rained cats and dogs a few days ago? And now the weather is much better?

TOld u heaven is my good old friend.

heaven knows

how can you bear to rain?
when heaven,has on your behalf done so
for these 2 days.

thanks heaven
heaven knows.

2006

Rain.
Watch it gush.
Threads of slivery lines,
Downwards, a frantic rush.

Tears.
Feel them flow
Streams of hot bath,
Downwards, trickling slow.

Thunder.
Hear it rumble.
Strongly it resonates
Cower, watch me tumble

Heart.
Feel it fumble.
Heated thumps of ache,
Cower, watch me crumble.

Rainbow.
See its colours hold.
Lovely against dark sky,
Across, and bottom a pot of gold?

Hope.
Allow its swell.
Gold, shining and warm
Across your heart, believe, you will be well.

Hymn of Promise

In the bulb there is a flower
In the seed, an apple tree
In cocoons, a hidden promise
Butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter
There's a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season,
Something God alone can see

There's a song in every silence
Seeking word and melody
There's a dawn in every darkness,
Bringing hope to you and me
From the past will come the future
What it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season
Something God alone can see

In our end is our beginning
In our time, infinity
In our doubt there is believing,
In our life, eternity
In our death, a resurrection
At the last, the victory,
Unrevealed until its season
Something God alone can see

Creepy Hollow

(nostalgic) Merry Christmas

Went esplanade library to listen to RVAC carol...
Realised that all these years, I've always been a participant and was never in the audience. Was nice.
Some unexpected old friends like Wendy and Huiwen joined in this year, was really glad to see them =)
Many old friends, however, are missed, absence felt.
No more Paul, no more hui, no hua hua, no MM, no XJ, no JM, no ZH, no ZD, no Eric...
no more strong basses, no more nice "heedless of the wind or weathER" which is XJ's speciality...
No more mahjong sessions before we rush down for caroling...
Really miss all those times...
But glad that RVAC still is singing, and I have someone to root for every X'mas.

Listening to our concert CD as I am typing all these... We sounded so damn good, and all those close familiar friends all in the video.
I can't help but keep thinking ... Man, we were good! *APPLAUSE*

We were once students, able to commit to preparing for the concert... but now, everyone is doing something different, things have changed, priorities have shifted...

To all dear friends, no matter where you are, what you are doing, you are sorely missed...
MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Confidence misplaced

Constantly worried what others' reactions will be when they realised that their confidence is misplaced, how wrong they've been and how rotten that subject is.

What goes up must come down.

I wished it all began from down.
Too late
I'm sorry.

Ouch..

In the midst of cleaning my room. Its really a major project with so many things in my room...

Threw out chunks of my history notes that day. Heartbroken to dump my work and memories and sift out those that can be used as rough paper...
Years and semesters of education that drip out of the brain and chucked into bins.
Surprising, it hurts.

List of Sevens

Like XJ's list of sevens.

hoho.

Interesting read.

Know not how.

Not hiding.
Know not how.

Talk, how?
Ask, how?
Start, how?
To care, how?
Show concern, how?
Be interesting, how?

Nuisance? Bingo.
Dig dig dig.

Un- like

Ugly. Inside out.

Fear, inside, not out.

Lonely, inside, not out.

Corwardly, inside not out.

Discouraged, inside, not out.

Low self-concept, inside not out.

Plunging self-esteem, inside, not out.

Only ugly. The ugliness, only this, inside out.

Super Size Me

Supposed to be having holidays.
But after noting down the things I have to do...
Not much holidays to speak of.
And I have been procrastinating! Darn...
Have been playing zuma, which i have completed umpteen times. Just been trying to up my high scores. *yawn*
If only I am as persistent when it comes to doing my work.

And I have been sizing people up. Every single person from my lecturer to the person next to me on the bus. Silly comments and evil thoughts just flooded my brain with every move, every word...
Better stop being so critical and start reflecting about me-self...

GOD NO! YIKES!!!

Still fat. Sigh.

Yes.
And I'm still fat!
Grrr!

MAJOR SIGH>

Nichts.

Fluffy. Springy.
The brain is light.

So stuffed with info, yet nothing flows.
Cotton wool filled the entire brain,
yet dry, it remains.
No juices seeped, no linkling reached.

Poems? Out of league.

Air-head.

Weeeeeeeeeee!

Stuffed.

Stuffed I am. Literally and figuratively.

Food:
-Mos Burger for dinner (yummy!)
-papaya and apple
-part of durian puff
-soup
-tea
Well... that explains why my pants and tops seem to have grew fonder of my fleshy flesh. Cling cling cling.

Life nowadays seem as filled as my growing stomach, as packed as bus 199 every morning.

Resumed life as a student for barely a week and I'm already feeling the stress.
Actual Lost:
-up to $70 on books
-up to $60 on cab
-up to 2 hours of sleep per day
-up to 2 hours of tv per day
-up to 2 hours of CCA

Actual Gain: -Weight.

How to juggle both work and studies... I really have NO clue.
Monday to Thursday, study from 0830 to 1130, work from 1230 to 1715...
Reach home at 1900. Eat. Bathe. Rest. TV!
Hmm... when am I gonna read notes, do assignments, write essays, and at the same find time write lesson plans, do resources, handle extra duties?
HMMMmmm...
Why is it that mainstream school teachers with MOE get $$$ just for studying, while special education teachers have to study to continue getting $$$?
Is the work special education teachers do any easier or less meaningful than mainstream school teachers?
Why the great disparity in income... why can mainstream teachers study full-time while special ed teachers part-time... What The Hell.
Just feel like complaining.

How to do work wholeheartedly when one's mind is down?
How to study in depth when one is labouring physically?

Have utmost respect for those who work and study at the same time.

Changes

Tiring week. New developments in my gauzy life...
Just went for orientation at NIE.
Can't believe that I'll soon have to start this dual life- student and teacher.
How did my colleagues cope.
Everything just felt so surreal...
So unprepared for TP, for lectures, for exams etc...
Well. Not good.

Just read blogs of friends...
Feel the hurt and the gladness...
Changes...
Everyday unfolds something new.. new emotions, new thoughts, new doubts.
Remembered what my sis used to say "The only thing that is constant is change itself"
Indeed. Every day screams changes.

Just like what my students like to do each day.
Today, he likes to tear papers. One hour later, he wants bite through toys. He might be toppling chairs soon, or making wreck out of the radio.
Today, he likes to spit into people's hair. Later, he wants to pinch your arms, grab your legs, smack your face. He might be making the smooching sound next.
Today, he wants to pluck the plants. Soon, he wants to put his ears on the vending machine. He might be throwing a tantrum and stamping his feet later.
How do we cope, how should we react...
Today, I might decide to be nice and let them off with a frown.
Later, I might wag my finger and issue a warning.
Next, I might scream their heads off and throttle them. Verbally.

The unknown
The unpredictable
The unexpected
The unforgettable.

Guess that's why I never really liked political science.
It is current. It changes fast. It requires constant follow-up.
That's why I love history.
Its the past. Its probably not gonna change. I don't need to follow new news everyday, every hour, every minute.
I could delve into the books.
And read whenever I want. Find what I want.
History is safe.

Hmm... Not sure what I'm driving at... no coherent train of thoughts.
Changing even through the course of writing a teeny blog.
What's more, one's life?

Saw changes in friends' lives and minds.
Witnessed changes in mine.
Watched changes in my students'.

Not sure I like changes...
But like so many things in this world- beyond our will and control,
it can't be helped.

Bored fat.

Its painfully obvious I'm bored.

Still considering whether I should jog.
Jog my flabs abit.

Its not my fault, it Was raining.
Well.
I only ate a teeny bit of that chocolate.
I only finished 98% of that oily packet of rice.
I only drank a small cup of tea. Plus a little cup of soya milk.
I only consumed a small portion of dessert.

Well.

A Blog on Blobs Part 1

BLOBS
Especially on my underarms.
They refuse to disappear, they refuse to leave.
No matter how desperately I beg.
I wish so much to pinch them into oblivion!
But its not as easy as that. Damn!

I hate blobs on my arms.
They are the hardest to rid of. Whats more, training them could be dangerous.
The next thing you know, you have become a Gladiator.
Scrawny men would appreciate these loads of flabs on my arms. Those skinny men who need the mass. Those stick insects who need to take supplements.
My arms require no extra protein.
Right. I don't want to be a female wrestler.
Neither do I need a piece of flab. 2 plops of flab.
How to tone them properly then?

WHAT COULD WE DO ABOUT BLOBS UNDER THE ARMS?!

Mediocre.

"Can do better than these mediocre results"

Mr Lim once said.
The pathetic thing is, I had to look up the dictionary then to decipher his comment in my report book.
I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted.

Fleeting Trust

Light as a feather. Floating, flickering.
Thin as a thread. Fragile, so fine.

I have no trust.
No trust in myself. No trust in others. No trust.
I couldn't trust me to do things well.
I couldn't trust me to try someting new.
I couldn't trust me as a friend.
I couldn't trust me as someone worth it.
I couldn't trust I'm not an idiot.
I couldn't trust I'm not disgustingly flabby.
I couldn't trust I'm not an irritating being
I couldn't trust I'm not a piece of crap.
I look at myself,I snigger.
I listen to myself, I laugh.
I think of myself, I cringe.

It had been so hard. To convince myself that no matter how flawed I am, I deserve to be loved.

Yet it is so easy, to shatter that glass of trust over trivial matters.


Why.
Why is my trust so brittle.